Friday, October 8, 2010

Will You Still Like Me?

"Who Am I?"  This has been a burning question for me throughout my life.  I can't be the only one tormented by this question, can I?  Do others easily recognize and embrace their true essence?  Or do most people just ignore the question and complacently accept the status quo?  Oh how I wish I could live in that blissful protective bubble of ignorance.  But I can't.  I've personally never been able to ignore the question of "who am I?".  This very, very heavy question which I always, even as a child, carried around with me like a boulder strapped to my back, has finally flattened me.  I have to find my answer if I am to ever find inner-peace.  Will the road provide answers?  Am I insane for praying it will?  Have I lost my mind for sharing bits of this inner journey with friends and family on a blog that was initially created just to show them the places I visit while on the road?

Improv Artist Me: on red carpet for premiere of "The Rat Race"
I think I've always been afraid of searching for the true me for fear that I won't like what I find, and for bigger fear of other people rejecting the girl who is left standing at the end of the day.  Close friends have lumped me into two very different categories:  Film Executive Christine and Yoga Christine.  There is also Jewelry Designer Christine, Yoga Rug Inventor Christine, Improv Artist Christine, Save the Rainforests Christine,   Zen Buddhist Christine, Perpetually Single Christine and Mommy of Crazy Dog Christine.  All these identities, yet do any of them really reflect the real me?  A therapist once told me that I was one of the most complex people she has ever met.  This complexity is probably why I've never found lasting love.  How can I possibly find someone to love me when even I can't figure myself out?  Perhaps this is also why I've always felt angst in business.  I've often felt like I was playing a role during my work day.  Trust me, it's a painful thing to wonder if you are not being true to your authentic self in order to draw a paycheck.  

Kee Kee Designs
Upon hearing of the reasons for my roadtrip (I leave in a week!), people have told me this is my Walkabout, my Dark Night of the Soul, my Rumspringa, my Vision Quest, or quite simply my turn at having a midlife crisis.  Whatever it is, I desperately want to find me.  If I do, I really hope I like me.  I hope you will still like me too.

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