I've been having panic attacks about the current mess of my life for the past 6 weeks. My heart races, I have trouble catching my breath and I break into a cold sweat. When they are happening I've tried all the standard tricks to stop them: shots of tequila make the room spin, Valium makes me nauseous, pacing makes me dizzy, meditating oddly makes the panic escalate, and ujjayi breath (a calming and balancing yogic breathing technique that has always helped me when I feel anxious) makes me hyperventilate. I had another panic attack today when Yoda and I were leaving Centinela Feed. We had just bought 2 1/2 months of road trip supplies and food for him, and I looked at my receipt and realized the $101.36 that I spent marks the beginning of me living completely off my meager savings account. I drove the short drive home with white knuckles gripping the wheel and tears welling up in my eyes as I tried to stay calm. Have I lost my mind? What business do I have taking 3 months of my life to prep for and then take a road trip to "find myself" when what I should be doing is spending every waking minute trying to figure out from where my next paycheck is going to come? But then again, how can I not take this trip? I'm so lost that it is the only thing that actually makes sense to me right now. I feel deep in my bones that I NEED to do this, I HAVE to do this, I AM GOING to do this.
|Yoda and his road trip yummies|
Despite Yoda's own struggles with panic, he seems to understand what I need. He's the one thing that can calm me down when I'm having a panic attack. He'll head-nuzzle into my chest, he'll snuggle into my lap, or he'll tease me with his stuffed coati toy until I snap out of it and play with him in the yard. My Yoda really does have the Force. With him at my side I'm leaving on October 16...we'll drive to wherever we are supposed to be.
In the words of that other famous Yoda, "Through the Force, things you will see. Other places. The future...the past...old friends long gone."
|Yoda and Kee Kee, hiking in the Santa Monica mountains|